am i just a sex toy

It’s been weighing on my mind for a while now and I’m really not sure what to make of it: Am I just a sex toy? The thought has caused a piercing ache inside my chest since the day I realized the relationship I was in was nothing more than an endless cycle of physical gratification. I thought I shared something real with my partner, but in retrospect, it looks like the connection between us was all one-sided: I was used and Penis Rings abused without care.

Maybe I just deluded myself into believing I was loved. But I’m not here to dwell on that fact. Nope, today it’s all about quick-forming questions in my mind, like lightning in the dark night sky. Questions which hit me right in the heart, like bullets.

Was I a fool for thinking I had it all? For giving myself fully and sex dolls unselfishly to another? For putting my body first, before my mind and heart? The truth is, I don’t know – and that’s why I’m here searching for a truth that has eluded me for too long.

What I do know is that my feelings were real, and they weren’t a lie. Those emotions had to be coming from somewhere, and weren’t completely fabricated out of thin air. But why do I still feel these same emotions even now? The emotions that go along with being a sex toy, used and discarded like garbage.

It seems like no matter what I do, I will still be haunted by the questions of why I let someone treat me like this. Maybe they never chose to see me as an equal to begin with? Perhaps I was too trusting? Too naive?

When I look in the mirror I break into pieces, overwhelmed by the self-loathing and guilt I feel. But then, as quickly as it began, the storm of a million tiny questions drifting into the edge of the night sky disappears, and I am brought into a peaceful silence.

And with that silence comes clarity. I realize that these feelings have been in me all along and I can still choose how to process them. And so I choose to take my own power, and counteract the lingering pain with love and respect for myself.

That’s when I realize, that no – I am not and never was a sex toy. I am so much more than that – I am me.